My oldest went off to college in the Fall, leaving his two younger siblings behind.
I wondered how his leaving would impact our family dynamic. And now, seven months in, I have an idea (hint: it’s not pretty).
What’s emerged is a fierceness between the remaining two. It’s like a cushion has been removed and now there’s the raw friction of two hard stones, one sharp (older one needing to be boss) and one holding firm (younger showing resolve to hold her own).
Side note: when I spoke to the kids about how I’d be depicting them for this article, they argued that they were each the one standing firm while the other was the nudger and antagonizer — confirming that there’s never “one true story” of what’s going on….
It reminds me of what Ken Kesey wrote in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, “It’s the truth even if it never happened.”
Because I’ve parented for a while now, I know this dynamic, whatever it is, will change. It always does. But sometimes a simple dinner with the two of them is akin to nails running down the chalkboard. I’d love to run screaming from room and it makes me wonder, HOW IN THE WORLD DID I CREATE THESE MONSTERS?!
The other night at dinner we talked about what we could do to help improve the situation. My daughter (the younger one) decided that she’d make signs reminding us all of important relationship behavior.
I love how her drawings show different perspectives.
Once she’d created them she didn’t care to hash it out any further….
This is often the case with kids — it’s the DOING that’s important — not the processing.
Since she made these reminders, I’ve actually noticed more harmony – crazy magic.
The good the bad and the ugly news is that sibling issues, while highly irritating and button pressing, are normal and to be expected.
If you had brothers and sisters, think back to your own childhood… what did you learn from them?
Here’s a list from parents in my Parenting with Positive Discipline series:
- how to tease
- how to manipulate
- how to negotiate
- how to take turns/share
- how to stand up for someone
- how to keep company
- how to eat fast
- how to hate intensely
- how to love intensely
- how to be loyal
- how to fight
- how to defend
- how to ask for what you want or need
My sister recently shared Jeffery Kluger’s Ted talk, “The sibling bond,” with me and my brother. Mr. Kluger tells stories illustrating the powerful influence siblings have on each other.
Here’s what stood out for me:.
There may be no relationship that affects us more profoundly than that of our siblings– none closer, harder, sweeter, happier, sadder, more filled with joy or fraught with woe than the relationship we have with our brothers and sisters. The sibling bond can be a thing of abiding love, our parents leave us too early, our spouses come along too late, our siblings are the only ones who are with us for the entire ride – over the arch of decades – there may be nothing that defines us and forms us more powerfully than our relationship with our brothers and sisters.
Siblings learn when to stand up for themselves, when to stand down – love, loyalty, honesty, sharing, caring, compromise, the disclosure of secrets and the keeping of confidences.
Siblings may be among the richest harvests of the time we have here.
And finally (I’ve paraphrased),
Will it impact how we respond to sibling fighting if view it through this lens? I think so. Relationships are messy — we’re all learning all of the time.
When nails scratch their way down the chalkboard, take heart. Know you’re in good company. Breath, remove yourself if you can, and remember that tremendous learning is happening.
This week view sibling battles as opportunities to learn life lessons. Notice what’s being learned in your house? Notice what lessons you’d like to see more and less of and share in the comments below.
Stay tuned for Part Two: Your Surprising Role in Sibling Fights (and How to Change it)
Here’s the index for the Sibling Series.
If you haven’t already done so, join me on this journey!
Wanna talk? It’s easy to schedule a time here.