by Lisa Fuller | Feb 27, 2023 | Communication, Connection & Love, Feelings & Emotions, General, Parenting, Self-regulation, teenager
At the end of a recent evening talk, a woman came up and said, “Eighty percent of my relationship with my twelve-year-old daughter is amazing. Weâre close and connected, but thereâs one thing Iâd like to run by you.” Lifting her eyebrows, she confessed, “My daughterâs embarrassed by me!”
The woman continued, “I mean, when I was her age I was embarrassed by my mom, but that was different because my mom WAS embarrassing!”Â
She rolled her eyes at the irony and we both smiled.Â
I reassured her, “Your daughter’s embarrassment is normal, and itâs something Iâve experienced regularly from my own sixteen-year-old daughter in recent years. But I can almost promise you she will outgrow it. The best thing you can do is have a sense of humor about it with yourself and with her. If you can hold her criticism lightly and keep laughing, sheâll experience you as a mom whoâs strong and grounded in her self worth.Â
Iâm no stranger to the pain and vulnerability that comes with parenting a young teen, so my advice for this parent stems from my continuing to move forward, ego bruises and all!
As I reflected on her question, I thought about how Gretchen Schmelzer describes how trust between parent and child is built through our âendless therenessâ:Â Â
 …. trust is built not because you are loved, but because someone loved you anyway. They loved you when you were angry, or messy, or cranky or a total and complete pain in the ass. They loved you when you forgot, or rememberedâwhen you said it or when you didnât say it. They didnât love you because you could do itâthey loved you anyway, even when you couldnât.
As a parent, loving our child despite the hard times is what builds trust. This call for our endless thereness is one reason parenting is so challenging, but it is also why it has the potential to radically change us. Kids give us the opportunity to love another person not because they are always lovable, but because weâve made the commitment to love them.
Weâre there and love our child anyway when:Â
- we get yet another voice message alert that our child has cut class.
- we learn that our child lied to us about their plans.
- our child climbs on the dining table while weâre trying to share a family meal.
- our child is embarrassed by us, for no good reason 😣
We love them anyway.
Can you relate to this story? Do you have questions? It’s so supportive to know we are not alone! Please share in the comment below.
***. Iâm offering an in-person 7-week parenting series in the East Bay beginning March 21 and an 8-week Writing Circle, via Zoom, beginning March 24.
by Lisa Fuller | Jan 20, 2022 | Communication, Encouragement, Feelings & Emotions, General
As a kid, I often heard:Â âDonât be full of yourself.â
I remember my mom sitting on the hamper beside the tub as I took a bath.
Holding out my arm to her I said “Look at my tan!” My parents worshipped the sun.
“Lisa,” she said. “Don’t be so vain.”
âYouâre So Vainâ was on one of our six 8 track cassettes and I knew every word, would sing along and ponder its meaning, staring out the car window. (The song has a very cool intro.)
Our family had an unspoken mantra: Even if youâre good at something, donât show it. Make yourself small so no one can cut you down.
Decades later, when I picked my daughter up from pre-school, I asked her teacher, âHowâd it go today?â
Our beloved Gay Gay replied,
âIt was great! Your daughter is so full of herself!â
She smiled her huge smile and laughed her cackling laugh, like this was news to be celebrated!
Her words and positive energy seared into my brain.
This new interpretation felt like a window opening letting a cool breeze into a hot yoga studio.
âIt was great! She is so full of herself!â Â
Here was my daughter: a self-possessed three year old, full of her interests, her curiosity, her body, her life⊠full of herself!
This past weekend, driving home from a glorious walk along the San Francisco Bay, I listened to my friend Suzie telling a story and the old expression escaped her lips:Â âSo and so is so full of themselvesâ and not in a good way.
Remembering Gay Gay and my epiphany that day, I interrupted Suzie, “Wouldnât it be great if we were all full of ourselves?! Isnât that what we want because, sh*t, whatâs the alternative?â
She squeezed my arm. “You’re right. If we’re empty — void of ourselves — then who or what will fill us? Whatever comes along and these days thereâs too much bad stuff to fill us if we donât fill it with ourselves.â
Here’s the bee in my bonnet for the start of 2022âŠ. Letâs all be full of ourselves and encourage that in the ones we love.
I aspire to be more full of myself this year and invite you to do the same. I don’t know exactly what that will look like, but I’m excited to pay attention and find out.
Please let me know what it looks like for you!

by Lisa Fuller | Apr 14, 2021 | Communication, Connection & Love, Feelings & Emotions, General, Power struggle, Self-care, Self-regulation, teenager
As I write today Iâm reminded of a post I wrote 8 years ago, What I Did When My Daughter Said, âYouâre the Boringest and I Hate You! This time, however, itâs not what she said, but instead what she didnât say and didnât do that shined a light on some difficult parenting wisdom.Â
 Part I – The Sweater
It all began when I knit my 14 year old daughter a sweater. Sheâd accompanied me to the store to choose a soft, washable yarn in a neutral color sheâd actually wear. During Covid Iâve picked up knitting again and found a healthy distraction in searching for patterns and scrumptious yarns. Because my grandmother taught me to knit when I was young, knitting sent a gentle signal to my brain, âEverythingâs okay.âÂ
A couple of weeks ago when I completed the sweater, I laid it on her bed so sheâd see it when she got home. I imagined sheâd try it on and show me how it fit. Over the past month Iâd measured the length of her arms, inquired about how cropped sheâd like it as that’s the current fashion and worked to tailor it just for her.
Because she never mentioned the sweater, I checked in with her in the afternoon, âDid you see the sweater? Please try it on — Iâd love to see how it fits.â
She answered, âNot right now.â
Later I asked her again and she explained that sheâd already changed into her pjâs but that sheâd do it the next time she got dressed. The next day I decided to mention it one last time. My heart felt heavy. I didnât want to get entangled in a power struggle with her over the sweater Iâd made for her because I adore her. Needless to say, I never saw it on her.
Part II – The Pile
My daughter had recently cleaned out her room, placing all outgrown and unwanted items into a huge bag in the hall. Beside the bag was a loose pile of papers with a blue glue gun resting on top.Â
After a few days of watching the pile collect dust, I took a closer look and saw under the glue gun a photo storybook Iâd created and given to her for her birthday some years ago.Â
This project, with a closeup of her soft two year old face on the cover looked to have seen better days. I picked it up and brought it into her room asking, âWhatâs happened to this?â She confirmed that sheâd found it spoiled, likely because last fall sheâd placed a little pumpkin from our garden on top of it, in a drawer. The pumpkin decomposed over the course of months.
I felt an anger rise in me and said, âYou clearly donât care about it.âÂ
She answered, âI do care.âÂ
I said, âIf you cared youâd have come to me when you found it and asked what we could do.â I swore, âJust f***ing get rid of it then, but donât leave it on the floor for me to take care of.âÂ
Heart pounding, I retreated to my bedroom across the hall where I stood motionless, a little shocked that Iâd spoken to her so harshly. Being the youngest child she was adept at avoiding conflict and I’d become more able to keep my cool.
For a split second I thought, Iâm going to ignore her, give her the cold shoulder. A memory flashed from the recesses of my mind of my dad ignoring me for two weeks after his feelings had been hurt because Iâd been spending weekends at my friend Sharonâs house. I can remember him scolding me as we stood inside our front door, âYou care more about her family than you do your own!â I was in 5th grade at the time and it was two weeks before he looked at or spoke to me again.
I decided I wasnât going to ignore her, even though to hurt her back felt like the ânaturalâ response.
Returning to her room, disintegrating storybook in hand I said, âI realize the reason Iâm so upset is that my feelings are hurt. Itâs becoming clear to me that you donât care about things Iâve made for you.â
I was of course thinking about the unadorned sweater.
I repeated myself, âItâs becoming clear to me, and Iâm speaking to myself now, that I need to focus less on you and more on myself.â
I felt my voice catch and tears well in my eyes.
Unlike 8 years ago, this time she said nothing. Through the uncared for storybook and forgotten sweater I was getting a message loud and clear, âMom, get a life. While I need you to be there for me, I donât need you the same way I used to and Iâm not going to act in ways to please you. You havenât trained me to take care of you and Iâm not going to start now. My main concern right now is my friends and all the changes Iâm going through. You canât use me to feel good about yourself.â
I felt grounded when I turned to leave her room, closing the door quietly behind me.
I havenât figured it all out yet.
It felt valuable to write about and share with you because itâs not spit spat all settled in me and tied up with a bow and maybe you’re having your own messy parenting moments. Iâm sitting with a real life collision between my daughterâs age appropriate growth and what Iâm gently naming my age appropriate stuckness, a slice of difficult wisdom.Â
Itâs not only children who grow. Parents do too. As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours. I canât tell my children to reach for the sun. All I can do is reach for it, myself.Â
— Joyce Maynard
by Lisa Fuller | Dec 10, 2015 | Communication, Connection & Love, Feelings & Emotions, General, Parenting
If youâre like me, youâre struggling right now to wrap your head around all thatâs been going on in the world.
I donât pretend to have the answers, but from my perspective it seems like disconnection is at the root of so much of the insanity and violence.
I believe that deepening and strengthening our connections — to each other, to the planet, to our families — is our path to healing.
It might seem  simplistic, but Iâm convinced that our collective well being and health begins with the health of our families.
And where better to start than with the holidays?
We all crave warm, loving connections with our family and children, this time of year more than ever. Bring on the dark storm so that we can be snug together, play a game, listen to music, and share a meal.
And while there may be heated moments of competition or disagreement, itâs all good because weâre together, making time for each other.
The following gift ideas may help you with this goal.
The list is organized into four categories:
- Tools
- Practices
- Games
- Books

Tools
- Dinner Bell. This is so simple yet almost daily Iâm reminded of the power of our dinner bell. Whether I make breakfast, a snack, lunch on the weekends, or dinner, I often notice a wee bit of tension building when my child isnât eagerly awaiting my labor of love. Then I see the bell and it dawns on me: âJust ring the bell.â I can feel my expectations melting away with that simple action. Message delivered. I can breath and move on.
- Mobilhome. Our devices get in the way of real connection. The
Mobilhome is a super cool way to — without making a stink — let your friends and family know that when socializing in your home, you encourage a device free zone. By establishing a place for everyone’s phones, you’re acknowledging the value of spending undistracted time together. The Mobilhome is an original artisan project created by Yvonne O’Hare (we met at a writing workshop). When ordering one, use the code âholiday2015â until December 15 for an extra 10% discount with free shipping. If it’s out of your price range simply find a basket for phones to call home.

- Positive Discipline Tool Cards. I gift these to parents who
enroll in my Parenting with Positive Discipline series. They are concise and powerful. Topics include: allowance, letting go, setting limits, kindness and firmness at the same time, silent signal and 47 more! Great for when you need a focused idea on one particular challenge.
Practices
- âPassing the Squeeze,â a ritual shared by my friend Catherine, will help you slow down and mindfully connect before meal time. You begin each family lunch or dinner with “passing the squeeze.” Everyone holds hands (people may choose to close their eyes if they wish). The person who cooked starts a hand squeeze in one direction and it gets passed around. When the squeeze gets back to the person who started it, she squeezes hands in both directions and then everyone squeezes hands. For extra credit meditation kudos, the person who cooked rings a meditation chime. Everyone listens for as long as possible before picking up cutlery and chowing down (I’ll let you know how that goes over at our house:).
- Family Meetings…Â Why have family meetings? They
- Build closeness by creating a sense of significance and belonging for all.
- Give children and their parents a place and time to practice leadership, responsibility, problem solving, empathy and love.
- Establish a forum for communication that becomes increasingly significant as children mature.

Once you begin to hold family meetings youâll experience even more tangible and intangible benefits for your family!
Join my list to download: Unlock the Power of Family Meetings: Your Free 7-Step Guide.
Games
- Qwirkle. I love this game! Using six unique colors and shapes your mind is challenged to find configurations that conform to the rules (no repeating) and give you the most points. It takes 30 – 60 minutes to play depending on how much conversation and silliness you enjoy. Recommended for ages 6 and up.

- Sorry. Be sure to get the original version. What can I say? This is simple and fun. My son warned me against recommending Sorry because he said it gets people too riled up đ That said, it’s most fun when everyone gets invested, regardless if you’re 7 or 70! Itâs equal parts skill and luck⊠maybe more luck. Old school fun!
- Hunt the Thimble. My friend Anna loves to play this one on Sunday evenings after their family dinner at her mother in-lawâs house. Try it when youâve got friends over or with the extended family. All ages! Hereâre the steps to play:
- Find a thimble
- Choose someone to be “it”
- Tell that person to leave the room
- Choose another person to be the hider
- Call in the seeker to start looking (it should be hidden within eyesight, not under or in anything)
- The whole group can yell out “colder!”…”warmer…” Until the thimble is discovered.
- Let the last hider now become the seeker, and so forth until someone rings the dinner bell đ
Side note to parents of teens⊠itâs more important than ever to make the time to play games and simply find ways to be together. Donât rely on your kids to come to you and ask for this time  — if they do, consider yourself lucky! When your teen resists family time, I suggest persistence. Let them know that being with them is important to you. Here are general tips from Aha! Parenting for keeping connected to your teen.
Books Â
My grandfather used to read stories aloud and even when I was too young to understand the content, I have warm memories of sitting on the floor next to him as he read while the entire family listened. The tone of his voice and response of those listening was enough for me. Here are some of my favorites to read to my children.
- All About Alfie by Shirley Hughes. I received this as a gift when my second son was born (thanks Mark and Kelly). I love these old school stories, set in London, about Alfie and his little sister Annie Rose. For ages 3+.
- The Tale of Custard the Dragon by Ogden Nash. SoÂ
fun and lyrical! Enjoyable for every age! Here’s a taste:
Belinda lived in a little white house, with a little black kitten and a little gray mouse, and a little yellow dog and a little red wagon, and a realio, trulio little pet dragon…. Custard the dragon had big sharp teeth, and spikes on top of him and scales underneath, mouth like a fireplace, chimney for a nose, and realio, trulio daggers on his toes.
- Sarahâs Unicorn by Bruce Coville. While this is great for early readers, I read it over and over to my children when they were 4 to 8 years old. Weâre talking pages falling out. It was the hands down favorite for my son who struggled most with reading and finding interest in books. Itâs out of print but you can find it used.
- Charlotteâs Web, Stuart Little, and Trumpet and the Swan by E.B. White. What I love about E.B. White is his spaciousness – these stories are told at a human pace and scale. And what could be better than a mouse and a pig for main characters. The Trumpet and the Swan was harder for my daughter to relate to⊠maybe because sheâd been immersed in the Harry Potter series and the change of pace was too dramatic? For ages 6+.

- The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are by Brené Brown. This one is for YOU to bolster your connection with yourself!! I come back to this book again and again as I find its messageÂ
continually challenging and interesting. There are 10 guideposts for living our most excellent imperfect life. Take this a step further by gathering your most curious friends, and meet monthly to explore each guidepost.
Cultivate those activities that feed your connection to self and others.
Relax and be present. Thatâs what your kids want from you more than anything.
To increase the likelihood that you can relax and slow down, focus on
activities like these: Â
- Take a bath
- Exercise, take walks
- Cook or take out foods that make you feel good
- Make time to read a good book
- Go to bed early
- Do something creative
In general, try to keep it simple, focus on the inside, notice the hilarity
and joy of spending time with kids⊠generally BE KIND TO YOURSELF. Thatâs it.
by Lisa Fuller | May 12, 2015 | Communication, Encouragement, Feelings & Emotions, General, Parenting, Sibling Issues

Practice Scripts for Parents: So you can stop unwittingly contributing to your children’s fighting
In Part One we looked at the tremendous learning that results from sibling relationships.
In Part Two we looked at the importance of staying out of your kidsâ fights after establishing —Â and repeatedly reminding kids of — family rules and expectations. (Here’s the index with all of the resources.)
Here in Part Three weâll explore what you do, unintentionally, to increase sibling acrimony and what you can specifically, say or do instead.
Imagine âŠ
Scenario 1:  Youâre at a work meeting with your colleague (Joe) and your boss (Big Cheese). You and Joe present what youâve been working on for the last month at which time Big Cheese looks Joe in the eye and says, âJoe what youâve done here is outstanding work— youâre exceptional, you really are.â
Be with that. What runs through your mind, your heart?
Scenario 2:  You come home after whatâs been a bad day and share with your spouse what happened at work, âI just finished this huge project. Joe and I presented it to the Big Cheese, and well, you had to be there, but I felt really unappreciated. It made me feel like crap actually. I put so much of myself into that project, but he didnât recognize me at all.â
Then your spouse replies, âYou know you make a difference — the work couldnât have been done without you. You need to remember youâre good enough whether someone tells you or not.”
Be with that. What runs through your mind, your heart?
While these are adult scenarios, what they illustrate are common mistakes we make with our children. Sometimes, daily.
The first scenario highlights the perils of praise — the non-specific superlative — and how the use of praise is particularly detrimental to the sibling bond.
How did you feel when you imagined yourself in the scenario?
In parenting class we role-play a parent praising one child but not the other. The volunteer playing the sibling not receiving praise — without exception — feels badly about themselves and usually resentful of their praise worthy sibling.
The un-praised sibling goes on to assume that the accolades lavished on sister or brother mean they’re destined to fall short… big time. Right or wrong this is a predictable human response.
In scenario 2, Iâve put the spotlight on how the denial of feelings, while well intentioned (like praise), is in fact discouraging because it communicates that weâre wrong when what we crave is to feel understood.
Below are four parent behaviors that hurt sibling relationships, followed specific examples of what they sound like and what you could say instead.
PRAISE Â â Â ENCOURAGE
- Wow — youâre the fastest swimmer out there! â I love to watch you swim!
- Youâre such a good boy! â I appreciate your help, you made my day easier.
- With more work, youâll get it right. â Look how far youâve come, you can do it.
DENY FEELINGS Â â Â ACKNOWLEDGE FEELINGS
- Just get along — sheâs your sister!  â  It sounds like youâre feeling really sad and hurt.
- Donât say you hate your brother — thatâs not nice.  â  It looks like you guys arenât getting along right now and could use some time away from each other.
COMPARISON Â â Â DESCRIBE BEHAVIOR (put kids in the same boat)
- Why canât you just be nice like your sister!? Â â Â I can see youâre really cranky right now… come find me when you decide you’re ready to talk.
- Why do you always make things so difficult? Â â Â Kids, I have faith that the two of you can work this out together. Come find me if you need help.
LABEL Â â Â DESCRIBE WHAT YOU SEE, FEEL OR THE PROBLEM
- Youâre the family artist. Â â Â You really love to create!
- Why are you always such a bully? Â â Â I see that the blocks are all over the floor, what can you do to help the situation?
- I canât take it — youâre such a slob! Â â Â Milk is all over the floor — what do you need to clean it up?Â
When spelled out like this, it’s crystal clear to me that [tweetthis] conscious parenting is a practice, not the default for any of us.[/tweetthis]
So it’s time to practice!
I know how hard it is so I created this Script to make it a bit easier.
Download it — print the pages you find helpful and PRACTICE.
If you live in the Bay Area, join me and Marcilie Smith Boyle for our Mini Series on how to manage Sibling Conflict in June.
Share your insights, questions and feedback below or write to me privately. I’d love to hear from you.
by Lisa Fuller | Feb 16, 2015 | Connection & Love, Encouragement, Feelings & Emotions, Mutual Respect, Parenting, Self-care, teenager
We want our kids to be happy and feel good about themselves — knowing theyâre struggling can feel unbearable.
Todayâs post is about how to deal with your emotions around your childâs disappointment — a question that Michelle so eloquently asked last time. Hereâs my own poignant parenting story….
Years ago when my son, Iâll call him Sunny, was 11 or 12, baseball season had ended and he wanted, with all his heart, to make the all-star team so that he could continue to play. Heâd been chosen in years past but knew it was competitive. Being Sunny, he was optimistic and it was clear that playing more baseball was the most important thing in the world to him — hands down. A perfect recipe for parental anxiety.
Each day heâd come home and ask, mom, did the coach call? A look of hopeful anticipation in his eyes.
My heart broke as I had to tell him, 3 or 4 days in a row that no one had called. Silence. Are you sure? Ouch.
Sunny was the kid who went through life, like a duck, letting harsh things that happened to him roll right off. So when he uncharacteristically invested himself in this outcome, it was all the more painful to witness.
At the time I knew that a rescue attempt was ill advised. I felt helpless and didnât know what to do. While it sounds like a minor letdown now, this disappointment was HUGE in his life, and I was at a loss for how to support him.
Looking back I think his dad or I could have shared our own painful experience if only to join him in that dark space.
I doubt it would have made him feel better but company always helps.
As the parent, I needed to also take a stance that would help me better cope with the urge to jump in and make things better.
As a coach, I often help clients find alternate points of view on an area of their life where they feel stuck.
Below is an example of different perspectives you can step into to shift YOUR experience when your child goes through their inevitable disappointments.
GRITTY VIEW: Â The research is clear that children whoâre able to persevere through trials and tribulations have an essential characteristic for success – grit.
While theyâll remember epic disappointments, if theyâre able to weather them with a sense of grounded security, your kids will more likely learn to forge ahead, a quality that will undoubtedly serve them well in life.
Parental fixing (or on the flip-side, shaming) blocks your child from learning this valuable lesson. Fixing and shaming, while they look different, convey the same message to your kid — I donât believe in you.
[tweetthis hidden_hashtags=”#parenting”]Donât treat your son like a prince unless his father’s the King, if you do, life will be a rude awakening.[/tweetthis]
I donât remember where I heard this but I love its clear wisdom.
POETIC VIEW: Â âFor after all, the best thing one can do when it is raining is let it rain.â Â âHenry W. Longfellow Â
Broadening your perspective through poetry and philosophy can be just the tonic you need to pull you out of the painful, cramped feeling of ânot enoughâ that tends to overwhelm you when your
child feels badly.
MINDFUL VIEW: Practicing mindfulness strengthens your ability to have boundaries.
The Quick Calm Technique created by Andy Smithson of truparenting.net is a tool that when practiced can move you from heated to less heated đ
Here it is in a nutshell:

Click above to learn more about the entire Quick Calm Toolkit
Use this technique to bring yourself down from anger, anxiety, sadness⊠these steps enable you to respond more proactively — more mindfully — to any situation you find yourself caught up in. You have power over how you feel.
PASSIONATE VIEW: Â When you take time to nurture your own passions, you get less tied up in knots about the minutiae of your childâs life. This helps you avoid the unwitting substitution of your childâs experiences for your own.
Here are some examples of activities (outside of work and parenting) that parents have shared with me that bring meaning and passion to their lives:
- join an adult sports team
- volunteer in an underserved school
- write a blog or novel
- coach a team (outside of your childâs)
- volunteer at a hospital
- train for a triathlon
If you donât want to do it for yourself, then youâve got to do it for the sake of your kid. Only when you nourish yourself and cultivate your own interests will your child see a way to do this for herself.
MY VIEW: One of the gifts Iâve found through using Positive Discipline is a path to keep things simple.
If Iâm bending over backward to make something happen for my kid, I hear that voice inside warning me somethingâs off or as Michelle put it — âTHATâs INSANITY — DONâT DO IT!â
Still the impulse and overwhelming sadness remains.
Donât push it away. Rather, let yourself feel sad and have a chance to heal from your own old wound. When you get triggered by your childâs disappointments — take that step back from your kid and look inside — work on your own or with a therapist to experience your not so buried feelings so that you can move on rather than continuing to stuff it down or overreact to events in your childâs life. Be real and feel your feelings.
When you feel stuck in your own or your childâs disappointment, try one of these perspectives or cultivate a view of your own. Standing in a different place could be just the reset you need to reorient yourself and move forward in the direction you want to go.
If you haven’t already done so, join me on this journey!
Wanna talk? Schedule a time here.