Mean Voice? What Mean Voice? Are you as Oblivious as I was?

Sep 11

I received an email from Eric, a dad in my parenting class.

There have been so many changes for the better that have come up over the last 8 weeks since we started taking your class.
The screaming and yelling in our house is now filled with laughter and smiles. Everyday I tell my wife how proud I am of the way she handled a specific situation and I compare it to how we would have handled it before attending your class.
We have a new story every day and find ourselves constantly turning things into games or putting our children in the same boat.
I never realized how firm my discipline style was and the potential negative results that can come of that parenting style.
The fact that my daughter has noticed a difference and that she’s happier to be around me is really a life-changing event for me.
Thank you again!

My heart was warmed by his message because I know exactly how he feels. I, too, had been unaware of how my style impacted my son until the day he brought it to my attention.

I thought I’d made a simple request that day, many years ago. My 7-yo came in from playing outside and I told him to go wash his hands.

As the words left my mouth and he slunk into the bathroom, I felt the energy shift --- something dark and heavy was now in the room.

When he returned, tears squeezing out of his eyes, he whimpered “Why do you have to talk to me in that mean voice?”

My heart hit the floor. This was my bright, cooperative, sunny child who never complained.

I took a breath. His defeated expression along with his words woke me to the harshness of my tone. I’d been oblivious.

What happened next? Likely I asked him a question or two, put my arm around him, said I was sorry and sunk into this clear evidence that I was a horrible mother.

My tone was likely caused by having to face the monotonous drill of cooking another family dinner, and exhaustion… or an annoyance about who knows what…. What matters is that at the time I was clear it wasn’t about him.

His hurt shone a spotlight on my lack of awareness. Like the brave dad in my class, I never realized how my style negatively impacted my son until that day when he directly told me.

I felt oddly grateful for this new understanding. With some time I could see a mini victory in his speaking directly to me… my words hurt him. If he could do that, maybe I wasn’t such a bad mom after all.

My young son trusted me and our relationship was strong enough that he could be vulnerable and tell me how he really felt.

Children are sensitive.

Alfred Adler, whose work lays the foundation for Positive Discipline [link] said that children are tremendous perceivers, soaking in energy and feelings around them. He went on to explain that children make meaning of their perceptions and not always in ways that make sense to grownups.

For example, children can make very different meaning from the same event (or siblings can perceive the same event in very different ways).

Here are some examples ….

Parent Action → Child perception and meaning making

Mommy’s voice is mean → Mommy doesn’t like me/I’m bad

Mommy’s voice is mean → This hurts and I’m going to tell her her voice is mean
Mom & Dad are fighting → I must have been really bad
Mom & Dad are fighting → They had a hard day, I’m going to leave the room
Mom & Dad are moving to Maine → I wonder where I will go?
We’re all moving to Maine → I’m excited
Baby sister cries and gets noticed → I need to cry to get noticed
Baby sister cries and gets noticed → I’m going to be a big helper

For better or worse what your child perceives is their reality!

You may not be able to control how your child perceives reality (especially as it applies to you and your interactions with them), but you CAN influence it by consciously softening your tone, acting with care, and slowing down.

For example, when my son came in that day, I could have said, “Nic, let’s take a look at those paws of yours… they could use a good scrub before dinner” or even, “Nic, I’m feeling kinda crabby right now cause I’ve had a hard day -- I just wanted to let you know.”

A helpful catchphrase to bring kind and firm to life is CONNECT BEFORE CORRECT!

I didn’t connect with him before sending him off and as a result my son woke me up to the power of my tone and energy.

I continue to be imperfect -- at times unwittingly putting unwarranted anger on my kids -- however, I do this far less than I used to.

As parents we’re continuously getting these wake up calls … the gift comes when we’re able to receive the gift and move in the direction we want to go as parents:

Being more conscious of our energy and tone;
Connecting before we correct (kind and firm);
And when all else fails, separating ourselves from our child when we know we’re on the edge.

Eric got this same wake up call from attending my Parenting with Positive Discipline series. Once he started being kind AND firm he realized how his former style was having a negative impact on his relationship with his daughter. He’s been amazed that such simple changes like asking for a hug or making a problem into a game, can be so life altering.

CONSIDER⇔SHARE⇔ACT

In what circumstances have you been surprised by your child’s interpretation of your behavior?

Does being conscious of your impact help you? If so, how?

By sharing your experiences in the comments below, you add to this conversation and support many parents by showing them they’re not alone.