by Lisa Fuller | Sep 23, 2014 | Encouragement, General, Parenting, Self-care
Years ago I read an interview with Susan Sarandon.
When asked if she missed the thrill of working in between jobs she said no, there’s nothing I’d rather do than spend time with my children. They’re the most fascinating people I know.
Can’t you just hear her saying that?
Although I read them years ago, her words (how I remember them) continue to cycle through my memory and with them comes more than a pang of inadequacy. She’s clearly an attentive, interested mother who’s produced spellbinding people to boot!
Don’t get me wrong. I couldn’t love my children more than I do – they are kind, cool, quirky, creative… downright good people.
Nonetheless, the image of the hip, engaged Sarandon mama has stuck with me. I don’t measure up. I’m not good enough.
When my second son was six, a friend he affectionately called his “God Brother,” invited him to camp on the beach in Hawaii for 10 days!
Sure we hesitated, it seemed dicey to have our child a stones’ throw from the ocean and so far away from us. But we trusted the parents, he was eager to go and we wanted to encourage his openness.
I was thrilled.
When we spoke with him on the phone he enthusiastically cheered that he was having the time of his life (his exact words).
Am I a good mother? How is it that I enjoy my little one being so far away – for so long?
Susan Sarandon has become a symbol for me – beyond Bull Durham and Thelma and Louise – she’s the uber interested mama who prefers the company of her children over her friends and her cool tribe of actor homies.
My fantasy continues… when Susan goes out to dinner with her kids, there’s no scuffle over devices because each family member is wrapped in titillating conversation or simply basking in each other’s company. Her kids prefer the company of their mom to friends (okay, Lisa now you’re just being silly).
Who’s your version of Susan Sarandon?
Is there someone you measure yourself against? Someone you use to judge yourself?
Maybe it’s your neighbor Jane whose kids always say thank you, their pearly whites shining through their gorgeous smiles.
Maybe it’s your cousin, the preschool teacher whose children abhor television and sugar and spend their days tending animals and making toys from scraps they find in the woods.
If you’re like me, you hold tightly to an idealized version of someone else as evidence to support an underlying angst that you’re not a good enough parent.
That sense of not enough pulls you away from the present moment.
I’ve no doubt that the mere act of becoming aware of your version of Susan Sarandon will go a long way to tame it. But what else can you do?
Remember my New Year’s invitation back in January? Some of you took me up on it and MANY of you wrote to say you thought it was a good idea.
Good ideas need action.
What’s one thing you LOVE about yourself as a parent?
What’s your specialty – reading bedtime stories? Being there for the neighborhood kids? Lightening up a tense moment with a perfectly timed joke?
Imagine if you spent a fraction of the time you do berating yourself for not living up to your Susan Sarandon, in taking stock of your positive qualities.
How would you feel? What might change?
Share right here and now: One thing, big or tiny that you do well as a parent. You deserve to take a moment to celebrate what works.
For kicks, share what it is about your ideal that “gets” you. That should provide some fun reading in the comments!
(If the website is getting in your way – send me an email – it can be one sentence or even one word!)
If you haven’t already done so, join me on this journey!
Wanna talk? Schedule a time here.
by Lisa Fuller | Jan 7, 2014 | Encouragement, General, Parenting, Self-care
Note: I first published this post one year ago and re-reading on the first day of 2015, I find it still speaks to the heart of a parenting dilemma. How can we expect to become better parents when we’re so busy being hard on ourselves? I wanted to share it with you again and encourage you to take time to make the list I prescribe and share it with a friend!
What if this year you did something totally different with the whole New Year’s resolution thing?
Instead of setting the usual intentions for becoming a better version of yourself, you made a list of all the things you already do smashingly WELL, as a parent!
Don’t you feel guilty just thinking about it?
I do. It feels odd and unnatural.
For me it would be much easier to spend the next 500 words describing my shortcomings as a mom and all that I could do better. (Read: more family dinners, more trips to the library, more game nights, more patience, more follow through on kid jobs, more communication with my 18 year old… more, more, more…you get the picture.)
Not going there.
This year I’m doing something RADICAL. I’m going to share with you a challenging exercise that I LOVE, inspired by Kelly Bartletts’s blog Parenting from Scratch. It’s about turning away all of that “I’m not good enough” parenting stuff and welcoming the good that’s already there.
I’m asking you to acknowledge what you do well and linger in the good. I assure you, this is not a silly exercise in self-aggrandizement.
When we do this, our brains literally re-wire for positivity and well-being. It’s what Dr. Rick Hanson, author of Hardwiring Happiness and Buddha’s Brain, calls taking in the good. Hanson says that putting attention on good experiences helps build new connections in our brains – [tweetthis]neurons that fire together, wire together.[/tweetthis] It’s part of the growing body of research around Neuroplasticity. We have the ability to change our brains!!
So, what does Neuroplasticity have to do with parenting? When we put our minds to it, we can become happier, better parents. And now here’s what I’m asking you to do:
- Make your own parenting infomercial (i.e., I’m great and here’s how:)
- Stick with your list – share it – savor it
- Be on your own side – be aware of that sabotaging voice but don’t feed it
This was a tough exercise for me. I noticed my loud, qualifying gremlin voice saying things like “but you don’t do X enough” and “you’re a parenting educator, your list should be much longer!” etc.
What’s important is that I made the list anyway, noticed that critical voice along the way and kept going. Here’s my list: (and before you read it, promise me you’ll try making your own.)
Lisa’s “Things I Do Well as a Parent” List
- I make yummy soups
- My “from scratch” dessert traditions kick-butt
- I read stories aloud to my youngest before bed
- I pull out my goofy, silly side on a weekly basis, for everyone to see
- I exercise and eat well (modeling what I want for my children)
- I love reading great books for myself (ditto)
- I am a room parent for one of my kids’ classes
- I got those weekly family meetings going on
- I regularly snuggle with my seven and fourteen year-olds
- I take the time to pause and breathe before I react to my child’s fall, F on their report card, the blatant lie, and of course – the periodic tantrum.
- I’ve gotten very good at biting my tongue and boy is it an effective parenting tool! (Listen more, too)
There you have it.
Now, I insist that you do this exercise for yourself.
Remember, when we recognize our own strengths, we nurture our minds and our whole being.
[tweetthis]Let yourself acknowledge that you have many strengths as a parent.[/tweetthis] Really let it sink in after you’ve made your list – take it one step further by sharing your list with a friend. Then notice the visible and invisible ways your relationship with yourself and your children unfolds for the better.
Peace and Happy New Year!
CONSIDER⇔SHARE⇔ACT
Consider your list, the mundane and extraordinary ways you parent. When you share what you’ve come up with below you inspire us and remind us of things we’ve forgotten.
Some of you have told me you feel too shy to share in this forum – in that case email me your list. I’d love to cheer you on!
