They’re not dancing to please me, but to please themselves
Remember that day last summer when I took the girls to the pool and I decided to get out of the middle of the parenting road (because heck it’s dangerous standing there!)? Here’s the scene: I’ve got two 9-year old girls, my daughter Sonja and her friend Gracie. Because these girls are avid swimmers, eager to get to the pool to play, I fantasize I’ll get to some summer reading (it’s September!), while they amuse themselves.
Ah but immediately my expectation of time for myself proves folly as they yell, “Watch this! Watch this!”
I decided to go all in and be present to the girls. I see them, their faces all lit up and full of life because they can see that I’m all in.
What does being present to these girls look and feel like?
Their request for attention begins simply. For the first ten minutes its,“Mom, tell us who has the biggest splash when we jump in!”
Easy.
The next five minutes,“Mom, now who’s got the smallest splash?”
Their requests get progressively more complicated.“We’re going to each make up a dance and you tell us which one is better. We won’t care which one you choose... PLEEEEEEEEASE.”
Now I’m at a turning point. Do I give them what they’re asking for, the easy flutternutter with jelly sandwich were I dole out the sweet stuff back and forth, here’s sugar for you, now a dose for you back and forth?
Wonderful, beautiful. Oh such great moves. You girls are amazing!
Hyperboles abound aimed at both girls, alternating names. At best, this way they’ll each feel the rush of being the BEST!
I take a moment to process this request and then say to the girls,
No, that kind of judging is called ‘subjective’ -- which means just one person’s opinion -- and that’s going to be too hard for me and I’m guessing won’t feel fair to you.
Sonja pleads, “Please mom, I promise we won’t care which one you pick.”
No sweetie.
Although they’re disappointed, the girls continue and decide to create individual dances and ask me to watch them after a few moments of practice. I support them by being present. In this scenario I’ve decided to simply pay attention to them, to genuinely respond to their beautiful 9-year old bodies moving with raw vitality.
I smile.
I make eye contact.
I smile.
My responses don’t sound or even look like much. I feel mellow… down right relaxed even and heck I’m enjoying myself :)
I notice that when Sonja pops out of the water, during a particular dance move, her eyes are fixed on my eyes asking - am I looking at her?
She smiles and I smile back. A simple genuine and powerful encouragement connection. The girls are laughing and having a ball. They’re being graceful and silly at the same time; authentically creative. I love being their audience and simply encourage them by noticing, laughing, hooting, oooohing. My comments sound like:
“Looks like you’re learning moves from each other.”
“Did that hurt?”
“Fun!”
I bite my tongue to keep from spouting judgments (albeit positive) and opinions.
After years of teaching parenting classes, I still find biting my tongue to be one of my greatest parenting tools :). While the automatic over the top enthusiastic responses feel like the way to be a supportive parent, they aren’t. Carol Dweek’s work on praise vs. effort vs. intelligence is explained in this short video. Simply paying attention is down right relaxing for me and I can see it’s freeing for the girls as I watch them become more goofy, beautiful and collaborative with every new dance.
They’re not dancing to please me, but to please themselves.
During the next hour I have a singular, delightful focus. Even now, a year later, it’s a rich memory for me. I can still see the girls’ lit faces, their determination, their playfulness.
Deciding to pay attention without praising is powerful and allows your child to be playful--- to be themselves.
Look for opportunities to be with your children --- to pay attention to them without fanfare but with your full, genuine awareness. See what you notice in yourself and your kids. And then come back and share your experiences in the comments.