If you’ve ever loved a child suffering with addiction (or mental health issues, learning differences, social challenges or any of the other tough situations that young people face), you know how hard and painful it is to let go while also being present and not giving up. Parenting calls upon the limits of human endurance.*

loving our child despite the hard times is what builds trust. This call for our endless thereness is one reason parenting is so challenging, but it is also why it has the potential to radically change us. Kids give us the opportunity to love another person not because they are always lovable, but because we’ve made the commitment to love them.

A few nights ago I was on a Zoom for parents of middle schoolers and an impromptu theme emerged – waving the white flag. One mom shared, that’s it, I’m waving the white flag when it comes to getting the kids to sleep at a decent time. What followed was a cascade of white flag waving.

My heart ached because of the obvious social injustice that permeates every aspect of our society but there was more. I realized that the story drew me in because -- if I’m being honest with myself -- I could genuinely relate to the motivation of those parents.

It’s summer and my daughter and her friend want to go to the pool to play. I fantasize that the girls will occupy each other and I’ll be able to read or at the very least get some knitting done.  Turns out, they want me to join in their amusement. They plead, watch us, watch us as they scheme to perform synchronized, dramatic water jumps and dances.Quickly it’s apparent that I’ve got three options in how to respond to their pleas:

Here I describe an everyday interaction with my 6 yo, one from BEFORE understanding the Positive Discipline perspective and one, AFTER. I hope this illustration helps you see how simple shifts can deepen your genuine connection with your child.