Transforming the Little Moments to Bring in the Light
Transforming the Little Moments
to Bring in the Light
Wouldn’t it be great to have a “before” and “after” parenting show?
I used to love to watch “What Not to Wear,” loving the transformation from frumpy working gal into the self-confident, sexy mama! (And yes I’d love to be nominated).
I’m drawn to the details of improvement. The crowded, gloomy living room, rearranged with better light, pillows, and plants becomes a welcoming space for activity and life. Powerful.
Let’s bring this analogy home to my life as a parent with a situation you'll relate to. In these before and after scenes I'm the same, loving mom. The difference is, in the second scene, I have a deeper understanding of Positive Discipline and with a few tweaks, the interaction with my daughter is transformed at the core.
The scene: I’m putting 6 year-old Sonja to bed and have just finished reading her a story.
Before:
Sonja: Mom, I’m afraid.
Me: What are you afraid of? (feeling a bit annoyed and thinking “what could you possibly be afraid of?!”)
Sonja: I’m scared to go to bed.
Me: There’s nothing to be scared of – you’re in your cozy bed and your family is home with you. (My annoyance is building.)
Sonja: I’m still afraid.
Me: That’s silly cause you are perfectly safe. (I’m ready to leave and put an end to this conversation.)
As I leave the room a jumble of thoughts go through my mind:
What have I done to make her so insecure?
What’s wrong with her that she can’t simply go to sleep?
How will her fear manifest in the future?
It's simple, she hasn’t had enough hardship in her life – if she’d had more trials, like me, then she’d know what fear really is!
After (with a Positive Discipline approach):
Sonja: Mom, I’m afraid.
Me: What are you afraid of?
Sonja: I’m afraid to go to sleep. I’m afraid of all the normal stuff that people are afraid of.
Me: Where do you feel that in your body? (with genuine curiosity)
Sonja: My heart. It’s like I have butterflies fluttering in my heart and frogs jumping in my stomach.
Me: Oh, that doesn’t sound good. (I place my hand on her heart).
Sonja: Do you ever get scared?
Me: Yes. Remember last week when we were on the airplane and it was really bumpy and you were laughing and whooping it up? I was afraid… I didn’t like how that felt AT ALL.
Sonja: I was scared too but it was also fun and funny.
Me: People get scared of different things… I LOVE GOING TO BED.
I left the room, my daughter fell asleep. I wasn't worried about her future. I felt close and connected to her.
Let’s look at some of the obvious differences in my approach in the two scenes.
BEFORE:
Worried
Fearful
Stuck in limited “role” of mom
Focus on how I’ve failed as a mom because I couldn’t fix it
AFTER:
Curious
Open
Interested in our shared human experience
Willing to share my vulnerability
In the present
Faith in my daughter to figure it out
While there's no perfect way to parent, we can make small, subtle shifts that bring in the light to reveal our higher self. When we allow this to happen, we truly sparkle. The end result? An intimate moment of precious connection with our child. There's nothing more beautiful than that.
We have so much to learn from each other.
CONSIDER⇔SHARE⇔ACT
In the comments below share what motivates you to go from scene 1 to 2? What helps you sparkle?
Next time you’re in #1 scenario, congratulate yourself for noticing, breathe, connect, wait. Let us know what happens.
